Too much drama.
Too much pain.
Too much sorrow.
Too much shame.
Okay not really I kind of just wrote that because it rhymed.
I feel like life hasn't been that great since sometime in May.
I guess the fun and excitement of being in a new environment kind of wore off.
It's only been 5 months since school started.
I can't decide if that's a long time or not.
It seems pretty insignificant considering that I have lived for 17 years and 6 months which = 210 months.
5/210=1/42
Okay I guess that's pretty long.
Why am I doing math this is so sad.
But things have kind of been going downhill since June?
I guess it was a gradual slope but yeah these past few weeks have been pretty bad.
But it really could be so much worse.
I really hope it doesn't get any worse.
It's human nature to focus on what's wrong - rather than what's right - I realise.
I guess there's so much more that's right, so it's a lot easier to focus on what isn't.
Which is kind of bad.
But then again, it helps to identify what's wrong so we can fix it, right?
So what's wrong?
Well for one, my nose won't stop running.
I've been sick for like a week straight I don't understand why it's taking me so long to recover.
And I think I've been passing everyone whatever bug I have.
But being sick is kind of the least of my problems.
But being sick is kind of the least of my problems.
I just chanced upon an old draft from back in 2011.
I was 15 then.
I don't really remember what was going on but it seems like I was in this same state of hopelessness.
I might've been slightly more dramatic back then.
Or maybe things were a lot worse than they are now.
"Anyway yesterday, I was just kind of ranting to myself, wishing I had a blog to kind of somehow express all my emotions in words. Basically yeah I miss like the period of time between um the end of last year to like mid sem 1 I guess. Like, I was actually happy back then, after a real long time. Like my Sunday-night-depression didn't exist and I was like so damn happy with life that everytime I started thinking about how much I hated Singapore and how much I wanted to move, I'd always be able to convince myself that I couldn't move because I wouldn't want to leave all my friends and all the people that were close to me and shit. But now everything's so damn screwed up and everything's falling apart so badly it's just the total opposite of what things were like back then and it really, really, reaaaaally sucks. I don't even know when things will start to get better but I sure as hell hope that whenever that is is pretty damn soon or I will probably explode and kill myself or something because relationships are like one of the biggest things in my life idek why but yeah I guess that's just part of my personality. And if so many relationships in my life are just, falling apart and dying in fires... Then what is my life? When such a big part of your life is ruined it pretty much means that your life is just a big fat ball of emptiness. Utter nothingless. Zip. Zilch. Nada. And I don't want that to happen with my life. But in some of the cases, there's really nothing I can do but hope and pray that things will get better. As for those that I can do something about, I hope I'll care enough to actually do something about them and not chuck them aside because of my laziness or distractions. But yes, for now I'm just gonna focus on not failing my exams. Oh man."
I don't think I've changed that much since then.
Or maybe that's my problem.
But I don't really know what to do.
Can't really fix something if you don't know what's broken.
I guess that's the real problem.
Okay - pause - I don't hate myself ok.
(In case anyone was thinking of sending me to a shrink.)
I just want things to be okay again.
But I don't have the power to make them okay again.
So all I can do it sit.
And wait.
Okay - pause - I don't hate myself ok.
(In case anyone was thinking of sending me to a shrink.)
I just want things to be okay again.
But I don't have the power to make them okay again.
So all I can do it sit.
And wait.
"There's a hole in my soul/I can't fill it, I can't fill it"
But things will be okay eventually.
I know they will.
:)
I know they will.
:)
I really hope they will.
